Updated: Apr 23, 2020
Nothing in life is free, even when solicited as such. At what cost do we reap the seeds we sow? This is what the ideals of karma teach, or at least this is my perspective in understanding from experience and recent teachings. Returning to old memories of wishing for what others had, began another pattern of self-destruction. As I grew into a young adult, my life became strife of holding on to things.
Materially speaking, I would buy many things -most of which I did not need- and I struggled immensely with letting go. Sometimes, I would come across something that I may have not used or even thought about in years, and yet I still felt an attachment to some of the most impractical things.
I believe this attachment to things became prevalent when I started a job in sales after graduating highschool. Through word of mouth, I had found an open position as a fitness instructor at a gym. I applied and was hired on the spot with an offer of $9/hour + commission. At first, I hadn’t fully grasped the idea of commission or even understood how much money I’d be making. I was simply happy to be earning $9/hour and to have full access to the facility at no cost. I also felt very proud to have the title of a fitness instructor although I had no prior experience with instructing people on how to use fitness equipment.
I ended up being very good at my job and moved up quickly. This was the beginning of no longer simply working for the pleasure of working, but for greed. Once I learned how commission worked, like the others that I had worked with, I had become highly possessive and competitive. Everyone who walked through the doors at the gym might as well had a dollar sign floating above their head. I was trained to capture leads from existing members in order to get more people to join. I was also trained to persistently follow-up on those leads until they either purchased a membership or yelled at me for having called so many times. I was just doing my job, or so I thought. What I later realized is that I was actively participated in using a place of fitness and health as a money hoarding sweatbox. I was so good at my job that the expectations of my performance continuously increased. As a result, my ego grew. I was not only possessive in work matters, but also grew to become possessive within other matters of my life and from that, suffering followed.
I became an angry vengeful person who struggled with accepting responsibility for my own actions. I perpetually allowed myself to be the victim as I held on to anger, animosity, and grudges. Being extra cautious to not seem vulnerable was, in fact, my greatest vulnerability.